Triggers and Crossroads...

Either I am all in or all out.  After last night, I believe I have come to a crossroads in life. I keep putting Jesus on the cross because of triggers and fears.  It just does not seem fair, natural, or realistic at this point in my life. 

Why does it feel like God is punishing me for living right?  I know that is not true. But my heart feels as such.  I prayed and fasted countless times but as much as I received breakthrough and clarity about my love life, I also felt more frustration and even anger. 

Not really angry at God, but more so, the way that society is set up these days.  But last night, I was triggered. From listening to my small group leader telling me that “God wants to be my everything.” to having a conversation with a close friend about the disappoints of dating during a pandemic. 

Only in between, reactivating my Facebook dating app to swipe left to the whole batch of matches AND reading in a Facebook Christian dating group of a brother who blatantly lied to trillions (I am being scrastic, more like hunderds) of Christian women about never being married while his profile clearly said that he was married. I mean, this man cropped his wife out of his profile picture, had posted of her and him on his timeline of their wedding day, and declared is on undying love and affection to her most recently as the Christmas holidays. Yo, we are only in February.  Oh, the sisters dragged him and I joined in 👀.  How dare you lie, sir?  What was the sad part about it, this negro tried to gain sympathy points about his power being out due to the snowstorm in Dallas?  Sickening.  Lord, help us. Lord, help me.  All of these series of events happened in a matter of four hours. To pile on the drama, my attempts to watch Married at First Sight this season…. Maybe I should not go there? #paigeandchris

I tell a person that I am fine. I say the words that are usually wanting to be heard. But ya’ll I was triggered.  I want Jesus to be my everything, shoot, I thought that He was. But the way that my biological clock and these COVID-19 streets are set up, I am not sure what my love life will come to.  I had a very real conversation with myself last month. Probably driving back from Memphis to Maryland (I had plenty of time alone to think and pray on the highway). I came to the realization, if I were not pressed about having babies before I reached a certain age (I am 37), I would be alright being single.  Between the inconsistency of these menfolk and the world still being on punishment, God and I really do have a great thing going.  It is those lonely times that I long to have companionship, a good conversation, to cuddle, and kiss. To share my days with, it gets hard😖. 

Or seeing the cutest babies and envisioning little Kevons scattered around the house. That is when it gets hard. 

I say, okay Lord. What is really going on here?  I have not heard a peep from you.  Is this how you want me to live my days?  Then I need some peace and divine contentment no matter what.  The pickings are slim, Slim…. it is ok to laugh (Yes, I called God, Slim but I am not being disrespectful).  

But Lord, most importantly, help me to keep my mind and heart on you. During temptation, give me the courage to do the hard thing. To choose You over my reality, my flesh, my fears. 

Can you relate to this?  

It's praying time 🙏

Father, I repent and will keep repenting to you until the day that you call me home.  I cast my cares upon you minute by minute because you care for me. You told me to be strong and courageous, but I feel like a cowardly lion at times when it comes to singleness as I get older. I do not know what else to do but to say, I surrender.  In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.

Please drop a comment. Let me know if my words are relatable. I want to not only share my journey of faith but truly encourage my readers to keep going. I appreciate you all.