So, What is That Cringe about, Sis?

                                                                                             Photo credit: @bigshotscott
                                            

When you hear the phrase, happy holidays, what thoughts come to mind? What is your initial reaction?

Do you automatically respond without thinking about it? Do you automatically cheer up at the sound of the words? Or do you cringe while being reminded of the various pain this year alone has bestowed upon you or someone you love? Well, 2020 has presented its own set of heartbreaks. For me, the death of my sweet cousin due to COVID-19. She was only 36, like me at the time. I miss my Sha Sha. 2020 proved to be a year of great triumph and perseverance for me as well. I graduated with my second master's degree (with honors), started a new career and job (of my dreams). These blessings occurred during the pandemic. Ironically enough, despite my accomplishments, I still faced so much shame for being at this place in my life at this age. I can list the specifics, but it would not be helpful as much as to recognize the attack on my heart and mind.

I had to take a break from certain people, let someone go entirely (my flesh was flaming from that one), learn to be quiet, and open my mouth and talk to God more. Oh, there were layers to my shame. I felt suffocated in the sorrow of what my reality was and not seeing where God was taking me. I could only see my past and current situation. So, I surrendered my shame to Him. For 40 days, I walked through a bible study on surrendering my problems to Jesus through fasting and prayer. The words from the devotional and scriptures seemed to be a letter from God to me every morning. Even though they were written ten years ago by a woman named Dr. Celeste Owens, I felt like she was talking to me in the present day. I knew that it was the Holy Spirit. Some of the readings that stuck out most to me were the scriptures about God covering my shame, not putting me to shame, and redeeming me from shame. My feelings of shame stemmed from feeling like I was a failure and a fool for trusting in the only God that never fails for so long.

Did you know that having faith makes you look like a fool to this world (1 Corinthians 1:25)? That world may include your family, friends, co-workers, etc. Also, for those of you who are wondering, God promises of total obedience will never result in shame (Psalm 119:4-6). There are more scriptures on this promise than I have time to list them all.

Another word of encouragement from Dr. Celeste was that fasting was difficult, not just the sacrifice but all the attacks that come with it. Can I be honest with you? I have practiced fasting for my faith and a closer walk with God for over ten years.

It was a personal decision when I was in my mid-20s. I just wanted to give God my best and first. I prayed and fasted for healing in my body. I petitioned God for a long time to deliver me from irritable bowel syndrome. I had others pray for me. I had to realize that my battle with IBS did not need healing. It was the stress and anxiety that I tried to control and manage on my own. I was not surrendering my worries to God. For 14 years my body paid for it. Now my inflamed nerves in my left foot that leaves me in much pain; I still do not understand why ( I am yet standing on the manifestation of that miracle).

I fasted for direction, guidance, and clarity. God has come through several times on this request. I fasted for my family to be restored, in so many ways it has happened, but family is family. You just got to love them, lift them in prayer, and keep it moving. God will do the hard work; my only job is to keep believing and leave an open door to my heart for them to walk through. Some of the fasts that I participated in, be it corporate or private which left me more disappointed, were prayers for my future husband.

I do not know what to say about this one. I guess most of my shame fell into this category. Honestly, I am not ready to get that vulnerable. Just know that my faith renewed some while reading the pages from the devotional. I honestly felt ashamed about my struggles with fasting in these later years. But God cares about my heart more than the discipline alone. What am I learning about Him and myself? How can I see His hand on my life, each prayer answered, and His great affection for me?

During the fast, my heart felt led me to write again. I resisted the urge immediately because of the potential shame that I could feel.  Real talk, these last three years of my life have been so bittersweet. I also recognize that several women in the faith felt exactly how I felt in this journey for Jesus. So, I will close with this; if you cringe a little when you hear the words, happy holidays, or Merry Christmas, then you need to come back to this blog and keep reading. Together, we will walk through this 2020 Christmas season seeking the joy and relief that can only be found in Jesus Christ. I mean, Jesus is the reason for the season (in my Kirk Franklin voice). For those of you who are interested in learning more about the fast, the name of the book is titled, "The 40-Day Surrender Fast" by Dr. Celeste Owens. I would also recommend that if you purchase the devotional, buy the journal book to go with it. To learn more about her ministry, visit drcelesteowens.com.

 

Until we meet again, God's will…

Father God, I pray for every reader who has decided to visit this blog. You, Lord, are the lifter of our heads and the mender of our broken hearts.  You are the reason why we sing Christmas carols and all the joy this holiday season is supposed to bring. You alone, Lord, are worthy of our full attention. Help us to see You more than we see ourselves. In Jesus' name, we pray. Amen.