Is There Anywhere to Hide?

So, there is this thing that I am learning as a developing therapist. It is the art and power of avoidance. During my last year in graduate school, I interned at the Department of Veteran Affairs. I had the brief privilege of walking brave men and women through their journey of healing from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Due to their sworn oath of silence and loyalty to our nation and service, they had to withhold painful memories. These memories, unfortunately, were disruptive for many years during and after their respected time of service. The sad thing about it, many years after serving in the military, well decades later, the secrets of what these servicemen and women endure still haunted their memories. Some of the stories were just chilling and heartbreaking. Although their actions were justifiable, they did not allow their souls to be at peace. Fortunately for them, they met with seasoned clinicians like my mentor and veteran lovingly called Yoda (by me), who was there to help these individuals pick up the pieces. It took weeks of therapy sessions before they could open up about their experienced traumas. Avoidance was the magic trick of choice on several occasions. However, I watched grown men shed real tears for the first time as they confronted memories of their past. They understood that avoidance was not making the memories go away but only suppressed them. These same men trusted and welcomed me into their circle. I was the only woman in the room, but these guys respected me and what I had to say. They at me looked at as the soft balance to Yoda's brute and grit.

 

Why am I even sharing this experience with you all? Because trauma is real. The shame brought on by trauma is paralyzing. The freedom that God wants you and me to have is made available with full access. So just keep reading...

I told you all before that the shame that I lived with unknowingly lasted for at least four years. I had no clue what was going on with me internally. Sometimes I did not even recognize myself in the mirror most days. Depression is so real ya'll. Anxiety is even worse. My therapist at the time explained it to me like this; depression keeps a person trapped in their past. Anxiety, however, freaks you out about your future. You cannot move forward and cannot go back. You feel stuck! Now that is the messed-up part. Me writing this blog is so hard. I've been avoiding the committment to buckle down and does this for many years. I would start and stop because the weight of my feelings were and still are in a way are just to much for me to confront, let alone share.  I thought that I was an open person, but after you have been through a few things, it would make anyone more closed off and private. Its funny because I  want to avoid the elephant in the room right now. But not today, Satan, not today. So here we go again.

 

In the later months of 2017, I felt an awkward shift on my job at the time. I recognized this shift on my 34th birthday. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I sat at brunch with a bunch of my closest local friends. I looked around noticed the love surrounding me. Despite this feeling, something just seemed peculiar. I could not quite put my finger on it. It was the Holy Spirit warning me. Afterward, things at my job began to take a downward spiral quickly. It took me almost five years to get the well-deserved and awaited promotion. However, now, it was finally time to buckle down and truly focus on my future. I played with the thought of returning to school for about three years prior. The writing was on the wall. It was time to let this job go. So, I began to research social work programs in the DMV and away.

The worse things got for me at work, the harder I worked on my graduate school applications at night. I never felt so determined. Although I was getting humiliated daily by this point, God, my family, and my lifelines that I call my friends all encouraged me to stay focused. So, within that timeframe, I let go of my first solo apartment, moved into my beloved friend's vacant home, and kept my game planning going. By now, the doors of modeling were opening to me. An answered prayer and dream of mine since I was 16 years old. Modeling became my creative outlet while applying to graduate school was the motivation and inspiration, I needed to stay the course.

 

That June of 2018, my job finally let me go after close to eight years. No farewell party, no time to send sweet salutations to my partners and colleagues near and far. I had 45 minutes to clear out my workstation although, I was not being "fired"; it felt like it. The humiliation was unbearable. My friends and colleagues hugged me tightly and helped me box my things. I never looked back.

See, before that day, I received acceptance to all three of my desired graduate programs. Two schools offered me scholarships while I waited for the third's school response. One school that was out of state wanted to double their offer to me. Ironically, I never heard God's release to go. That was tough. I was sick of DC. I felt beaten up emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I was SUPER single, unemployed, and was living at my friend's place. Not much to brag about at all. My life looked far different than I imagined it to be at that time. I wanted a fresh start. I felt so embarrassed.

Although I worked so hard to get into graduate school, I suffered from grave anxiety. I was returning to graduate school at 35. Would I be able to keep up? Will I struggle as I did for my MPH? I was terrified. In addition to everything else, I had to find a new home AGAIN! But God challenged me to stay here despite now to add, the questions and whispers from loved ones. What is wrong with Kevon? Why is she still single? I never see her with anyone. Is she gay? Now that was flat out hurtful. My sexuality was in question because I was single. Wanting to date God's way seemed to produce any fruit and people were coming for your girl.  Folks had no clue what anguish I felt, never being in love, let alone to just date a man that made me smile (on the inside). I had to fight my insecurities and fears. I had not even started my program. Yikes!

So, by now, I guess you are probably wondering, how does any of this tie into Christmas. It sounds more like a rant.

It has everything to do with Jesus and Christmas. It was the beginning of the inner torment that I wrestled with while in graduate school. It was the internalized shame of still believing that God's plan for my life was perfect. Despite my failed expectations and perspective of my life, He was the source of my peace and joy. Isn't that the essence of what Christmas is supposed to mean? It means to find the inner peace and eternal hope in the One born of a virgin? The one who would later be rejected by man and murdered for the world? Emmanuel, God with us. Christmas is the epitome of hope against all odds. So hopefully, as you have read these words, God stirred something in you to the exam. What is that thing that your heart continues to yearn for most? How can the true spirit and meaning of Christmas bring you good tidings of comfort and joy, as the carols of old sang...?

 

God is everywhere. He is calling you to come out of the shadows. He is waiting and wanting to exchange your shame for redemption this holiday season. He wants to be your hope eternal.

 

Until next time, God's will...

 

Dear Heavenly Father, I am in my feelings this holiday season, and Lord, it hurts. You know the shame that I feel, and it is layered. I am so grateful that you are still in the center, amid feelings, and guiding me through the storms of what is called faith in action. Please reveal to me any uncovered shame and my responses to. Make me aware of it all. I am excited about this holiday season because You came that I may have an abundant life in YOU. That is an eternal promise. Now, Lord, I ask for Your peace to rest on my heart and renew my mind so that I can rejoice in the love that you give lavishly and bountifully. In Your Son Jesus' name that I pray, Amen.